The Coronavirus aka covid19 has stopped our world of normal, I’m not just talking about mine personally but everyone’s world of normalcy. Speech has been canceled until Easter for the time being and it could be longer. We started OT last week and thankfully got 2 sessions in but it’s likely it may be canceled too until, well who knows when.

I’m not the only person feeling these cancellations, as I have a friend who has a daughter in a few therapies. We can’t be mad, we understand, and we want us all to be healthy but can’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of sadness our children won’t receive services that they need!

After talking to the coordinator, she said she wouldn’t be surprised if they cancel therapies for a good amount of time but as of now she hasn’t been given real information. I’m nervous, I’m sad, I’m frustrated on how I can help my child “catch up” and get the therapy he needs! We aren’t just kind of behind, he is 8-10 months behind! For a 2.5 year old, my son doesn’t say “mommy, I like xyz”, or “that is red!”, and so on, he has improved and I’m doing what I can during this time but I’m not a trained therapist plus he knows I’m mom and how to push my buttons and ignore me.

I’m not mad at my therapist, I’m not mad we have closed things, I’m not mad we are doing social distancing, I understand they need to be healthy, provide and keep their children during this time, I just hope that things calm down soon, that we can go back to our “normals”. Speech therapy for us is a need! It is one of the top things I wish I could do for my child, for him to be able to communicate that is appropriate for his age.

I’m lonely, a lot. Most people think or suggest I just need time to myself and suggest I go do xyz but to be honest, I spend a ton of time alone. I also don’t need to go do too much because I’m really great and spending money lol. My husband works for the railroad and is usually only home 2.5 days a week which leaves little time for us as a family and even less time for just the two of us. He is usually worn out from a week away at work and driving so when we hang out in the evenings, it’s watching tv mostly. I live for summer when our neighbors and us get together and hang out one night and our kids play, winter is awful here!!

I also don’t get to see friends all that often, many don’t live super close and the majority of them work during the day during the school year at least as many are teachers. I am super, and I mean super grateful for the friendships I have made with my mommy friends I’ve made since having Hunter, and so thankful for the times we are able get together outside of their scheduled activities. Our kids get to play and we get a chance to have a real conversation with an adult.

I do miss my friendships outside of kids though, when we were able to go do things without having to plan for a sitter (not that we ever get one lol), or leaving our kids with dad and feeling a bit guilty for not having time with just them, or if we do get away then worrying about the kids. I don’t worry that he isn’t taken care of it’s more about his speech issues and if whoever does have him is able to help and understand him and if they are using the tools and techniques I’ve tried to tell them about for him to use his words or are they just snapping photos and letting him play independently. One thing I’ve learned is that you cannot just make or ask a child with a speech delay to say x because they don’t, many actually shut down or ignore you because well that’s just how it is, ask an SLP.

Winter is dreary here, lots of cloudy days, rain, cold, and then the germs make almost any parent dread going to too many places for fear of the flu or stomach virus. I love being a stay at home mom but it’s lonely. People who I know did it for their kids and say that it was all wonderful make me grit my teeth and truly want to throat punch them. They act like I’m being ungrateful and that their days were or are always filled with sunshine and happiness and is a complete line of bullshit and a sure fire way to make me feel shitty. Those comments are just as painful as when or if someone were to tell a working mom that someone else is raising their kids. Those comments are NOT ok and flat out fucking rude. Working moms are amazing, and they are doing what is best for their family! Yes, we have fantastic days and I’m sure many do but there are rough days, sometimes in a row, sometimes the tough days stand out more because they overwhelm us with exhaustion and or feelings for guilt or failure. I struggle the most in the winter with these feelings, the true definition of the winter time blues.

I don’t really have a huge family support system. Unfortunately, my mom and I do not have much of a relationship and she lives 1000 miles away. Which is good, honestly my relationship with her was so toxic while I was pregnant with H and so terrible that when I chose to cut off the majority of that relationship it was a huge relief. I know most will never understand that. Will I regret it one day? Possibly. Will we ever have the chance to mend our relationship? Umm I don’t know to be honest. Maybe I’ll write about that one day but it’s incredibly painful and personal.

We have family but they aren’t close by or are often busy. I can’t ask someone to just come watch the kids while I go to dinner with my husband or have a friends night. I know people who get to do so much and are able utilize their families for keeping their kids on occasion and for us it seems to be a huge ordeal that often times becomes a pain and in the end, we’d rather just stay in at the end. I don’t want to send H 2-2.5 hours away to my in laws, I just don’t. I have my reasons and I don’t have to share them and people can think it’s ridiculous, that’s ok. We also have a dog and if we wanted to go somewhere and had to take him there then we also have to make a plan for her to go somewhere else. Again, it’s a pain and I’d rather someone be here, plus it’s where everything is and one less thing for me to have to worry about gathering to take somewhere. It’s also hard to plan anything last minute which is usually our case due to my husband’s schedule and sometimes things with others just get planned late.

Currently my husband is having to work a different shift and while it should only last a few more weeks, I hate it. He is having to leave on Saturdays instead of Sundays. While friends are busy doing family things or out with friends on Saturdays I’m stuck at home with my little boy. It’s fine until he goes to bed and then I’m stuck by myself….again. Saturday night TV is boring.

I know I need to do a better job and making more time for just my husband and I as a couple as well as time just with friends and finding a good sitter that we can call and not have to hope someone can drive here from 2 hours away or that someone isn’t busy. I know I have to do that for my sanity and for my relationships. It’s my goal this year, it really is!

I hope in this post I don’t haven’t hurt any family members feelings when I say I don’t want to send my kid off during this time, it wasn’t my intention, just my feelings and my truth whether they feel the same way or not. I also don’t want people to go ohh poor Jordan either, and offer help that’s an empty offer. I’ve tried making plans with family and/or friends and a lot of time they then can’t do whatever it is (I know things unexpectedly come up), or they forget and made plans to do something else. It’s a let down though. People also sometimes make plans then tell me too late to try and find someone to help with H and I miss out.

Last summer was great, it was the first time since having H I have enjoyed myself. I did a lot with a friend who had a little boy close to H’s age and we were also able to go on vacation with them. We were all able to enjoy each other, have a drink, laugh at our kids, stay up late, and so on. I hope we don’t ever lose their friendship, it saved me last summer. I also sooooo sooooo enjoyed our neighbors and our nights outside hanging out with the kids and even after they went to bed. We need a bigger home but god I don’t ever want to leave them. Neighbors like we have don’t exist everywhere. But in the winters it’s harder to see these people, some are teachers, kids are school aged and have activities, and well it’s cold and wet here so it’s not so easy to get together. Have I mentioned how much I hate how long, boring, and dreary our winters are here in Kentucky.

I think a lot of my stress and loneliness are tied together, I’m working on it and trying to make myself a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, in law, friend, and so on. I hope it’s something I can continue to focus on because I do want to be those things in a better happier form for everyone.

We started H in speech at 20 months, the process took forever and there was a long waiting list for a speech therapist unfortunately but with that said we have loved our SLP and so very thankful for her and her hard work. As of late H has displayed some sensory issues and they have really started to affect speech sessions. He avoids things he doesn’t want to do and often times has extreme meltdowns. Not just you’re typical 2 year old meltdowns either, these are exhausting, not just me but him.

H will be 3 at the end of July and for expressive speech he is about 8-10 months behind. His receptive is on par for his age. Many people will say it’s due to a paci but even our speech therapist said this is NOT true, not for us anyhow. He doesn’t use it all day, just naps and bedtime and occasionally he finds one and will use it but that’s all. He has been going to The Little Gym since he was 6 months old and has also done swimming and music classes, so he has been socialized with children his age. He also started a little day school in August that he loves, he’s there 2 days a week for 3 hours. He has probably 30-40 words which is amazing considering we started therapy with maybe 3 or 4. He has a few signs but he isn’t really interested in using them often, except for please and sometimes more.

This journey has been difficult, his peers all have a much better developed speech and it’s been hard for him to tell us what he wants or needs. It’s exhausting for us both! He has a cousin who is 7 months younger and a second cousin who is about 8 months younger and they talk. I feel judged by people or they feel pity for him and I HATE that. He’s not broken or for lack of a better word dumb. I also hate comparing kids because it isn’t fair but people do it. I feel like a failure a lot because I do SO many activities that give speech opportunities but some days I’m worn out and we do watch a lot of TV, if you say you’re kid doesn’t watch TV, you’re a liar lol.

I hope and pray speech picks up everyday and that this will be a blur one day when he doesn’t stop talking but I’m prepared for this to be an issue well into elementary school, which is ok, I just hope God brings me patience and he’s not made fun of for it or that he ever feels ashamed.

As for his recent sensory issues, shew they came out of no where. Sometime in December things started to overstimulate H and his avoidance behaviors increased. Normal things we’ve always done all the sudden can be too much for him and/or he will have a meltdown. We can’t start therapy for these until next week, we hope. We came up with 3 goals to be simple and hope with those we can get back on track, especially with speech. I’ll do more of an update when things start rolling there in a different post.

My first topic, it’s a big one but it’s been one of the most recent things I have gone through. I don’t like to post about controversial topics whether it be politics or whatever but I have thought long and hard and have gone back and forth on sharing or discussing this with people, especially just the internet and social media. I have a small group of people I have been open with and I am thankful for their support.

Let me just say gender disappointment is real. We had two little girl names chosen, Holly Kate or Emma Kate (still no name yet for boy #2), I had the perfect vision of her little room all planned out in my head, darling brother/sister matches I was hoping to buy, all the wonderful big brother and little sister moments they would share, all the plans and dreams I had for us two girls all planned in my head. Then the ultrasound came and they said “ITS A BOY!”, I sat there and said ok and that was all. I know I probably sounded like a crap mom for sounding less than excited. But before I go on, let’s get one thing straight, I am beyond thankful and blessed to be pregnant so far with a healthy child, so do NOT mistake my sadness for a girl for being ungrateful. Ok anyways, I didn’t cry until I got in the car, I cried on and off for several days and randomly still do. I didn’t want to talk about it at first but writing that non existent little girl a letter and a poem titled “no little girl” did give me some peace. I’ve mourned it and am moving on and am trying to find happiness in the love of another boy. I don’t dislike boys, I love my Hunter more than all the stars and I know I’ll love this next one just as much. I’m just sad that I’m going to miss out on the opportunities that girl moms and dads get to have but will have my own opportunities with my boys that will just be different.
I have always pictured my life with 1 boy and 1 girl, the very best of both worlds but God has different plans for me. Is that plan that a girl was just not what I needed in life or that maybe I should be more open to a third? And yes, I do know that even if I were to have a third it does not guarantee a girl. But I’m not sure, I don’t know what God has planned for me right now other than to be a boy mom at the moment. Will we have a third? Who knows, if this little boy isn’t a preemie then maybe but that’s a big time maybe. That’s a different story for another day though and thoughts I haven’t truly spent much time on as I’m just trying and hoping for this baby to be healthy.
Gender disappointment I think can happen to men too, when they get all girls. I think they absolutely adore their girls just like I’ll adore my boys but wonder “man what if I had that boy”. Maybe not, but I think that it’s possible that both men and woman go through it, even if it’s short lived. I’ve read comments that have stuck out like “boy moms don’t get to match or have fun”, or “girl moms get all the drama”, “I don’t know how they do it will all girls/boys”, or my recent favorite “lets make all the boy moms jealous, look how freaking cute these matching shoes are for us girls” and so on. Those comments are insensitive and truthfully make me sad and sometimes mad. I have a dramatic and sensitive little boy and we do have a few matching things and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else. I’ve also read where people have said that people who only have kids for a specific gender don’t deserve children, insert eye roll and a major f you, they are also the people who probably think they’re parenting is perfection, enter another eye roll. People who experience this never said we won’t and don’t love our babies and pray they’re healthy but sad we aren’t getting to experience what we had maybe hoped and dreamed for in our lives.
This is different from people who struggle with infertility or miscarriage. My heart aches for families who go through this, it truly does. I have friends who have traveled that path in life and I have cried, prayed, and hoped nothing but a beautiful and healthy baby for them to love and wrap their arms around one day. Their sadness is different and yes, most certainly more painful.
I just feel so many people are told how they are suppose to feel and then feel like they can’t say what they truly want because of the backlash of being a “crap mom” or that they sound ungrateful or ridiculous for their feelings. People talk about breastfeeding v formula, co sleep & bed sharing v alone in the baby’s room in a crib, we talk about how the baby is born which by the way is no ones damn business, and how we should embrace it all and everyone’s feelings and choices, but we don’t talk about enough about post part depression or about gender disappointment. It’s real, not just to me, I know a few who have said they’ve struggled with one or both and I hope that somewhere in all of this someone will say thank you for sharing this and making feel normal or ok, or that some of the people I know who think I’m being dramatic or ridiculous or ungrateful will maybe take a minute and understand me a little more. That’s my hope anyways, if not then oh well I guess. Maybe I will regret posting this if people are rude or think I’m shit but I needed to say it, I wanted people to maybe understand that just because I’m sad doesn’t mean I’m not thrilled with another baby and that won’t I love him because I do and for people to stop avoiding the topic around me or anyone in general.

Also, there are probably grammatical errors in this and my thoughts may seem a bit scattered as I am writing this as it is well past midnight but I’m up with lovely acid reflex. And yes, I care about grammar/spelling because they drive me nuts typically but don’t feel the need to edit this even though I will probably re read it and cringe for those mistakes I do end up finding lol.

Thanks for joining me! I am a stay at home mom to a 2.5 year old little boy and have another boy on the way this summer. My husband works for the railroad and is sadly, rarely home. Follow me on the struggles and joys of parenting, that will include talking about my son’s speech delay and sensory issues, being lonely as a wife who only gets to see her husband 2.5 days a week on average, becoming a mom of 2, being a mom to boys, and life in general as being a parent.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton